EDITORIAL: This movie was really quite laughable until you remember that there are girls and women out in the world who are buying this “Fifty Shades of Grey” evil and while I watched this movie, many of them were being beat, tortured and raped because of movies just like this one. Thanks a lot LifetimeTV. You used to be about empowering women. Now you’re just another slavemaster recruiting your prey. My 28 year old daughter said it best when she said “Mom, it’s like LifetimeTV made BDSM into a Hallmark Movie with this one”. Lifetime, I can smell your souls burning in Hell already!
I was at a loss for words by the end of it. First and foremost, Lifetime works hard to promote female sex slavery as a ‘fun’ and ‘successful’ career option while pimping little girls as miniature strippers so they’re obviously run by some major pimps and madams these days. Next, they created a ‘vanilla’ version more absorbent for the masses so this was in no way a true or real portrayal of a dominant/submissive or BDSM type relationship or ‘fling’. Most sessions DO NOT include sex which they show here like it’s a normal romp between the sheets between two loving people, equal lovers, not a true dom/sub interaction. FACT: BDSM and S&M are SEXUAL MENTAL DISORDERS. You find a man who wants to dominate and control you, he’s going to be a PSYCHO!!
Then there’s Ashley Jones, who, by appearing in this role, gives one the impression she’s a total airhead who got the role by having no brain and BEING SOMEONE’S SLAVE. There’s sirens going off as the warning signs of predator, stalker, rapist, killer literally fly from the TV screen throughout this movie yet Jones never bats a pretty eyelash as she just can’t help but contact the creepy old stalker guy who wants to dominate her so she can learn more about this exciting new possibility in life. She approaches his whole pervy existence like she’s considering taking a cruise or having a weekend in Vegas with the girls. REALLY!!
The movie ends with the writers making sure Jones’ character ‘Delaine’ gives full urban dictionary style definition of what an alpha female really is and how, by CHOOSING to have and submit to a master, a REAL WOMAN becomes an alpha female. At this point, it was tough not to vomit!
I’M SORRY but Ms. Ashley Jones, the LAST thing I thought about you after seeing you in this role, was ANYTHING that had to do with a backbone or a brain or a strong anything. Shame on you for promoting this evil message of enslavement for women. I don’t believe this will help your career much unless you continue being somebody’s slave like you obviously were to take this role!
- Sun, Jun 1 – 11:03 am ET
I don’t think I was the target audience for Lifetime’s new movie The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. It seemed to be aimed at people who are waiting impatiently for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. And Lifetime could not have been more obvious about marketing this as a basic cable Fifty Shades if it tried, from the commercials saying it’s based on a “bestseller” that started a “phenomenon” to the fact that the Christian Grey stand-in lives in Seattle — which is apparently a hotbed of men ready to provide sexual awakenings.
Unfortunately, despite the TV-MA rating and the constant reminders that “viewer discretion is advised,” this movie was one of the least sexy things I’ve ever watched. The package of cheese crackers I ate while watching was more arousing. I’m guessing that it was rated MA simply because they use the word “panties” more than once. And I agree, that word should always come with a warning. But alas, I’m afraid people tuning in for hardcore sex and scandalous dirty talk would have been sorely disappointed by all the introspective voiceover narration and chaste tumbles in the sheets.
This is the true story of Delaine (Ashley Jones), a stay-at-home mom whose husband Robert (Scott Gibson) disrespects her. So far, so Lifetime. Robert does just about everything on the “terrible husband” checklist, from cheating on her to blaming her for the cheating to demanding she be more sexual to reprimanding her like a child to chastising her for getting his wardrobe wrong to acting superior because he makes the money to wanting her to get a boob job. So obviously Delaine starts hooking up with her bestubbled Enrique Iglesias lookalike acupuncturist Graham (Jeff Roop). Their affair is accompanied by a plethora of guitar riffs and a dangerous amount of sexytime candles.
Delaine believes she and Graham have a “spiritual” connection, and she’s so happy with him she separates from her husband before checking if Graham in in any other relationships or has any babies on the way. But oops, looks like he does, as Delaine learns from a fellow single mom who knows the baby mama. Before she gets a chance to confront Graham about the fact that he was being unfaithful to her while she was being unfaithful to her husband, she makes sure to slide down a wall with her face covered in mascara tears. You’d think this movie could afford some waterproof eye makeup.
Because Delaine somehow has plenty of time on her hands for hook-ups even though she’s now a single mom raising two kids under the age of 10, she immediately starts talking to her friends about what her next step should be. One friend thinks she should take things slow, while the other one is like, “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” After she gets stood up on a date with a guy she met online, prompting an embarrassing, mascara-tear-covered trip to Graham’s house to bang on the door with her shoe, she decides to go the “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” route. She gets an email from “The Duke” (Alex Carter) a guy who’s into domination/submission.
Most people would read a message from someone who calls himself The Duke and immediately delete it. Most people you meet online who call themselves The Duke are also probably not handsome businessmen with huge lakehouses. If this had turned into a catfishing movie, I would have been a lot more entertained. But of course Delaine starts a phone relationship with this guy, who orders her to do things like take her clothes off in front of a window and date a younger guy, all under the pretense of liberating her. That’s right, Delaine becomes empowered by having a guy order her over the phone to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness while calling him “Sir.” Did you not know this movie would be about feminism? You silly bean.
The younger guy Delaine ends up dating is Payton (Wesley Morgan), a 24-year-old who shows up to their first date looking like he just left a frat party. Delaine’s just supposed to use him as her sex toy, but I don’t think she ever makes that clear to Payton, who buys her earrings on their three-month anniversary and wants to meet her kids. Oops, 24-year-old men have feelings and stuff? Awkward. Before I move on from the Payton storyline, I should mention that The Duke has Delaine take him to a sex club, which is less Eyes Wide Shut and more just a sleazy-looking warehouse where nobody makes it past second base. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED.
Once Delaine gets rid of that pesky Payton and his emotions, she starts wanting to hook up with The Duke. And also to ask him for business advice, because like every Lifetime movie heroine ever, she wants to start an online interior design business. While her kids are with her husband’s family for Thanksgiving, Delaine makes a trip to Seattle to talk business and be sexually submissive. Just to make that clear, this woman spends Thanksgiving away from her children and spends money on a trip to Seattle so some creeper she met online can tell her, “You will not wear panties in my presence.” Oh, and he also makes her wait around to have sex for an hour while he works silently on his laptop. SEXAY. (The actual sex is like five seconds of them kissing naked under strategically placed sheets. Lord, I got more than that from Petals on the Wind, and even though it was between siblings, that still only got a TV-14.)
But it’s so liberating, and it changes her as a person, you guys! Before she leaves to go home, Delaine and The Duke have an emotional goodbye as they look out over the water behind his house. The hug tenderly, and I think Lifetime wants me to be crying or something? Crying about a woman who is returning to her children after spending the holidays with a man who threatens to walk her around town on a leash to punish her for disobeying him. At this point I was too busy wishing TV movies included some kind of “off” button for excessive voiceover narration. This movie really should have been called Please Shut Up, Delaine.
When Delaine returns home as a changed woman, she starts that online company, and because she’s in a TV movie it becomes successful within weeks. She also gets inspired to have a better relationship with her ex-husband and meets a new man at the party store while shopping for her daughter’s birthday. We’re not told whether or not she’s allowed to wear underwear in his presence. Fingers crossed there’s a sequel so we can get an answer.